Please help Nicola finish her Veterinary Degree

I have to admit I was very down at my last update. I have been working and trying so hard, but to no avail. It can be depressing when you spend every day writing to people, and after sending hundreds of letters and e-mails you have about two replies. The biggest conversation I have had is with the bot of Ice-T!!!

I have had wonderful support from my friends though, and that is what keeps me going. That and the fact that this has been my dream for my entire life. I have had a lot of bad years, particularly the last three, but if I don't believe in myself then I can't expect anyone else to believe in me. There is one line in The Shawshank Redemption which I love 'Get busy living or get busy dying'. This is my last and only chance to have the life I always dreamed of, so I have to keep going no matter what, until the very, very end.

Also, I had some wonderfully good news - the Veterinary Times has published my story. You can read it here - http://www.vetsonline.com/news/latest-headlines/150624-student-pleads-for-help-to-continue-studies.html

Well the sun is shining but I have more letters to write!  I hope everyone has a great day xxx

A moment of reflection 

I have 41 days to go until my campaign is officially finished, but I also know that this campaign is in effect over. No matter how optimistically I look at things I realise how impossible my campaign has always been. In so many ways it is a kind of hybrid; on the face of it, this campaign has been done to raise money for my education - however having a fulfilling career is the only way I can think of to save my life. Crowdfunding for education rarely gets any public support, relying almost solely on family and friends. My friends have been absolutely wonderful, but they have now done what they can and I can no longer look in this direction for any more funds. 

What it is to have no family

This campaign was very much to save my life and was a desperate last resort. However, it is not really possible to get this across. Why to save my life? Surely that is a bit melodramatic?  For me it is not in the slightest  melodramatic, though I cannot expect anyone to understand. Living with no family and having no love and support is something I can no longer endure without having some sort of fulfillment in my daily life, and a real reason to keep living. For most people having no family is simply words and something that will never be their reality, something that cannot actually be conceived of. Like the vastness of the universe, It is an abstract concept. However, just stop and think for a second what my life is actually like. What if your entire family were killed and there was no-one left, leaving you so damaged and broken you could never reach out to other humans and create a family of your own? What if you knew you would never, ever have someone to come home to?  Never have someone to pick up the phone and speak to if you were happy or sad? Never to have someone to hug you and tell you everything would be ok? Never to make eye contact with another person and to make a connection. Never to have anyone at all in your life. Ever. For eternity. It is not just the here and now, but it is the tomorrow and the next day and the day after that. Not only did my whole family die by the time I was 21, having Aspergers means I cannot go out and make my own happy little family.  I know many, in fact most people with Aspergers, go onto date, marry and raise their own wonderful families and this makes me feel even more like a failure than ever, since I cannot. I live with the fact I will  always be totally alone every second of every minute of every day, each and every day of my life until I die.

I do have wonderful friends, but only internet friends. I have no face to face friends I can meet up with as I have moved so much in order to find a job. On a superficial level I am very good with people, and many people question whether I have Aspergers. However many women with Aspergers are able to adapt and  present in this way. I genuinely like people and love to help them with their problems, but at the same time it is stressful for me. I find it exceptionally difficult to make genuine friendships as although I am a kind, caring person, I just do not understand people and do not react the 'right' way. Not everyone will accept me as I am, and I have often been very badly bullied at work - in some cases being bullied out of my job. So in general I remain alone except for the girls. For the people that are willing to scratch under the surface, I do make a good, loyal friend.

Always a misfit, except to Holly and Poppy

Unlike the rest of humanity, I have no place in this world. I do not fit in. I do not have a family where I can feel loved and wanted. I look at the world around me, and it is like the rest of the world lives in colour while I sit behind an invisible screen where my world exists only in black and white. The whole world seems to be able to do this one little thing that I simply cannot do - to love and be loved in return. I do know how to love - just not humans who unsettle me so much. I love Holly and Poppy beyond all reason. They are not just cats to me. They are my entire life, the only reason I have to live. They are now 14 and they are the only reason I continue. I had thought that if I could find a fulfilling career, one which actually meant something to me, then I would be able to carry on living. I took the risk of trying to do this and this has massively backfired on me. Firstly, I sold everything I had to fund my veterinary degree, which has now come to its end as I cannot afford to continue. Secondly, I cannot return to law to help finance myself. It makes me incredibly depressed and in any event I have destroyed my legal career by taking so much time out studying. Since I can no longer be a lawyer, I can no longer support myself. Thirdly, I now know what I am missing which is perhaps the worst thing of all. I accepted years ago that I would never have a family - that I would always be alone and isolated on the margins of human society. However, I did not know what it was to enjoy every day of my life and to actually want to be alive. I understood how to endure and how to live with the pain, but not how to actually be happy. In being a vet I found true happiness. Before that I had tiny pieces of happiness - scraps I obtained through loving Holly and Poppy. In training to be a vet, I finally found acceptance from other humans. It no longer mattered that I was weird and strange, just that I was kind and compassionate and an excellent student. Every day I actually woke full of excitement for the day ahead -  I actually wanted to be awake, instead of wishing to continue to sleep and therefore stop the pain starting for another pointless day.

All that is now gone. I cannot finish my veterinary degree. I cannot go back to law. I cannot find a 'normal' job for minimum wage as employers quite rightly expect me to disappear off for a better job  just as soon as I can find it.  It is hard to explain, but having Aspergers makes office work exceptionally hard for me, for a whole host of reasons. There are very few jobs available other than office jobs, another problem being that even for the most basic jobs you need some experience and more and more these days, some sort of NVQ in the subject area you want to work in. Even finding a minimum wage job in an animal sanctuary is almost impossible for me since I have no NVQ in animal care and I cannot afford to go to college and study for one. The years I completed of veterinary degree are meaningless in  terms of finding work in the UK. 

I cannot leave the girls

Being brutally honest, the only reason I keep going now is for my beautiful girls. I cannot see a way out of my predicament, although of course it is hard to be positive and see an escape when very depressed. I have applied for so many jobs and failed time and time again. I do not know if I have the strength to continue to be knocked to the floor. Both girls have had radiotherapy to cure their tumours & hyperthyroidism and both, thankfully are cured. I sold my tiny one room home to pay for this. Holly is currently in very ill health with chronic kidney disease and I cannot leave her to die alone in a cage. She requires to be fed by syringe 4-5 times a day (including one 2am night feed), and I could not expect anyone to do this and to fall in love with her, knowing she will not live so very much longer. Poppy also has kidney problems, though for now it is not bad at all and probably normal for a cat of her age. She is very well and she will hopefully live for another 3 or 4 years. Yet again, who would adopt such an old cat?  This means I am trapped in a life of poverty and utter despair, when I would much rather admit defeat and die. I cannot leave them alone the way my mother left me, in a cage with no love or comfort in life, so I have to endure no matter what. I do not want to live, but I will live and make the very best job I can of it in order to make my girls happy.

I have spent my life thinking that the impossible is possible - and doing just that. Now I am old, in a lot of pain physically and mentally, and I feel totally and utterly defeated with no hope for any sort of happiness or contentment in life. This crowdfunding campaign was my very, very last hope. I knew it would not succeed, and yet that little voice inside kept telling me that every so often miracles occur. That I would not know unless I tried. I am happy that I tried. I have learnt a lot about myself and my friendships - including the 'friends' that were using me and have now dropped me now that times are hard. You never know - maybe the crazy cat man of my dreams will come along on a large white cat and rescue me. Or perhaps not and I will die unemployed and of starvation & hypothermia this winter. More likely I will find something in between - a job that I can do to the very best of my ability and so I will support my beautiful girls until their end.

Unfortunately, disaster is chasing me and is gaining quickly!  Two horrible things have happened this week which have quite upset me.

Firstly, the job at the animal sanctuary has fallen through, much to my huge disappointment. I could have learnt so much there and helped so many animals. Just got to keep applying for jobs - on-wards and upwards.

Secondly, I may have rheumatoid arthritis - I see the Dr again and have more tests next week. If it is rheumatoid arthritis, this is just a minor bump in the road of my life. Treatment can commence very early and hopefully there will be no more disease progression and it will not really affect me.

I am staying positive and I am trying not to let these things get me down or stop me from putting everything I have into this campaign.

Lastly, a massive THANK YOU to everyone who has donated. And a massive THANK YOU also to everyone who has shared my video & campaign, and those of you who have sent me love, prayers and good wishes, even if they could not donate.  I really appreciate your support and help. The donations and messages keeps me going. Most campaigns have lots of people to run them. Many campaigns have a professional team and even those that don't -  99.99% of individual students have a family. I do not. I have no-one in the world except my cats Holly and Poppy and although good with the mouse, they are not so skilled with the keyboard.....So the e-mails and messages that are being sent by partners, parents, siblings, cousins, aunts and uncles - those hundreds of e-mails (including good ideas!) - well I don't have any of that help.I have to do it all alone with no encouragement except for that you give me. That is why your messages are so important to me. What I am seeking to achieve is nothing short of a miracle, even for someone with a strong, loving family. For a girl alone..... well it is impossible. BUT - I always think something is only impossible until someone has done it. I mean to be that person to do it. I have amazing friends - and I have felt truly humbled this last week to see the love and support they have shown me. Please help me not to let them down. Please share, share, share and together, with the help of the online community worldwide, I know I can succeed.

I have some wonderful news!  Yesterday I had an interview at an animal rescue and today I was offered the job!!!  It is working in the cattery and although minimum wage, it does mean I am doing something very positive to help unwanted and abandoned cats.  Minimum wage is not enough to live on in the UK (never mind save), particularly as I have to travel 45 minutes each way with a toll charge. Petrol is very expensive, so I may actually have been better off claiming government benefits than working. This is not my way though, and I would much rather be working and doing something positive to help my community and the animals I love so much.